Expectations in Marriage

The last article ended with a discussion of the role expectations play in marriage. According to the National Healthy Marriage Resouce Center unrealistic expectations are the number one issue that leads to divorce. So how do we develop realistic expectations? This is one of those things that is going to take some work. Society has all sorts of messages about what to expect and you have probably picked up some bad expectations along the way without even realizing it. One of the keys is to be intentional. The other is to discuss your expectations with your spouse. Remember, this whole marriage thing is work, hard work. This whole expectations thing is going to require you to think on your own and then share with your spouse. I can hear you already, “thinking and sharing...I'd rather play golf, shoot deer, watch paint dry (you can fill it in as you wish). Think about this though. We give lip service to the concept that our marriage and our family are the most important thing in the world to us, but if they are then why do we get so bent out of shape about putting a little effort into the relationship?

Did you think the relationship was going to be effortless? Was that your expectation? What are your expectations? That's your first bit of homework. Sit down and think...what were you expecting? It will help if you write it down, because later on you need to share it with you know who. So what is the purpose of this little task? First, for you to think to yourself if your expectations are realistic. Once you start writing things down (or typing things out) it readily becomes apparent that some of what you think doesn't make much sense. There's something about writing down your ideas that makes you able to look at them a little more objectively (not totally objective, but a little more so).

It's in that writing and searching for what you really think that you can start to make sense of some things. You might be able to see where you are being a little extreme or an area you have not compromised on that you do not care about as much as you though initially. Or vice versa. You may find that there is something you really care about, but it seems trivial on one hand so you completely caved on it, but the thought just keeps coming back. Chances are though it may seem trivial it IS important to you and now you know.

At the end of the day we do need to sit down and share our lists. It can be in silence as each one reads the list of the other. You can read it to the other person and they can read theirs to you. For that matter you could email it to each other. If you are the kind of person that has a hard time communicating it may be that as you get started you need your communications to be almost professional. That's another part of expectations. You need to expect to meet the other person where they are and the deference goes to the weaker person. For instance; if you grew up in a family where feelings are not shared and your spouse did they probably expect you to share willingly and often. You on the other hand do not feel comfortable with that at all.

In an ideal world you could share the fact that you are not comfortable with that and your spouse would share that they are not comfortable with not having a level of communication where feelings are shared. In this scenario you are the weaker person as you are being asked to do something you are not comfortable with. So the sharer needs agree to meet you where you are. You need to agree to work on your communication skills when it comes to touchy feeling things. Hopefully, you will see that touchy feely things are not always that touchy feely and can lead to a lot of happiness. Before happiness comes realistic expectations. Get 'em while they're hot!

Expectations Trump Finances

It is much to my chagrin that after doing quite of bit of research that I cannot find anything to give me reliable statistics on divorce rates. The best data I can find suggests that 50% of all marriages end in divorce which is rule of thumb I have heard for years. Why no data? It turns out the data is pretty difficult to come by. Different cities and counties report different information to their state offices IF they report any inforamation to their state office at all according to research by The Lewin Group. I could find no information indicating municipalities broke down their reporting as to whether it was a first marriage, second marriage, etc..

The Barna Group (a research organization that examines how faith and culture interact) does have some interesting information. It is based not on state reporting, but upon surveys. In their surveys the do differintiate quite a bit between different “types” of Christians. For instance they have seperate categories for “Evangelical” Christians, “Non-Evangelical Born Again Christians,” and “Notional” Christians (which we can assume are the worst kind). In at least one study they show that the “Evangelical” group has the lowest divorce rate of the three broad groups. They also have breakdowns by some income classes, ethnicity, Protestant vs Catholic, and even political ideology. Looking at their data if you really want to keep your marriage together it would pay to have the following characteristics; politically conservative, Asian, high income, Catholic, and be evangelical. I'm not sure that is useful for me.

The National Healthy Marriage Resource center seems to have a pleathora of information, but not necessarily related to divorce statistics. I think that is probably fine. Does it matter what the divorce rate really is? It's too high...we know that. What do we do about it? That's what these folks are trying to find out. I thought it was really interesting while examining their site they have quite a few “top ten lists.” Thank you, David Letterman, for popularizing a simple tool that helps boil information down into manageable amounts.

The number one thing on the list was not finances (sorry Dave Ramsey). Nor was it communication skills, but at least communication skills made the list. No, the first thing on the list was unrealistic expectations about marriage. Wow! I was actually happy to see that. When I conduct marriage seminars one of the overarching points I try to drive home is that marriage is not what we see on TV or in the movies. Marriage issues generally cannot be resolved in a thirty minutes time interval like they can in a sitcom. Marriage is actually difficult. It is work. It is hard. It has it's moments and it can be rewarding to both husband, wife, and children (if there are any). So when you are looking at your marriage and you are a bit more than discouraged ask yourself a couple of questions. “What am I comparing my marriage to?” As well as; “Is this something that other couples don't deal with or do they just not talk about it?” I think more often than not you will find that you may be at a bump in the road (it could be a big bump) instead of at a brick wall.